


Shattered Dreams

by Nova_Raven



Category: Sam and Colby, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Covid made me do it, F/M, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Healthy ending? idk, Ouija, Suicidal Ideation, Supernatural Elements, You guys know the shit I write at this point, probably not gonna have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nova_Raven/pseuds/Nova_Raven
Summary: Sam headed up the stairs, not wanting to give Corey time to say anything.He didn’t… he was fine.Fine as he could have been when his best friend, brother, and fucking soulmate had just died.
Relationships: Colby Brock & Sam Golbach, Sam Golbach/Katrina Stuart, Tarayummy/Jake Webber (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

Sam had always had a hard time picturing the concept of nothing.

Outer space was mostly filled with nothing, he knew that. Vacuums were filled with nothing, that’s what made them vacuums. Except for the celestial bodies and clouds of dust that moved through them, there was nothing there. No atoms, no molecules… nothing.

And Sam’s life had always been filled with so many somethings, from the big things like friends and families to the little things like the light breeze on his skin. But now, Sam thought he might have a better concept of what nothing was. Of what a nothing like a vacuum might feel like, because his chest… his whole abdomen really… felt like an empty vacuum.

There was a hole there, an empty, sucking, bottomless hole.

A Colby shaped hole in his soul.

“Sam…” He looked down, seeing Katrina still pressed into his side. She was wearing something dark gray and black, something that matched Sam’s black suit pants and shirt. “Baby, they’re uh…”. She glanced at the crowd, starting to depart the crowded hill. He could see his friends, arms around each other, and their parents, not even crying anymore, just looking…

Empty…

“You can go ahead…” Sam said quietly, not surprised by how raspy his voice came out. “I wanna… I wanna stay uh… a little bit longer.”

Kat looked at the unsettled dirt in front of them, then back up at Sam. “You want me to stay?” She asked.

Sam hesitated a moment, but said, “You don’t have to. You should uh… go with the other girls. I’ll take the car later.”

Kat’s eyes were still red, her makeup smudged and running from her tears, but her voice was strong when she said, “I uh… I don’t really want you driving right now, babe…”

Sam closed his eyes, flinching hard. Yeah… I uh… I get that.” He really shouldn’t be driving right now. He might just pull the steering wheel a little too far to the side…

Sam shuddered again, pushing away that thought.

_ Colby wouldn’t have wanted that... _

“I’ll wait in the car,” Kat promised him, pulling away slowly from his side as if she was waiting for him to pull her back. He didn’t, and with one more squeeze of his hand Katrina headed down the hill with the others.

Sam followed her briefly with his eyes, and then looked back to the unsettled dirt, the newly placed black marble. Colby would have liked that. Black was kinda his thing.

Not that Colby had ever wanted a grave stone. He and Sam had always been more of a fan of cremation.

But uh… neither of them had expected this...

Sam sighed, kneeling down to look into the grave. There was a body in there, and Sam knew that it wasn’t his best friend. Not really. That spark, that life, everything that had made him… him… were gone.

Nothing of his friend remained in the wood box.

Colby was dead.

He hadn’t cried yet, honestly still too shocked for any of this to be real, for the vacuum in his stomach to give way to… anything resembling emotion.

Fuck…

“Doesn’t feel real, man, just doesn’t feel real…” Sam said quietly, and he looked up at the sky. “We had so fucking much to do. You weren’t supposed to leave me yet…” There was something tugging at the back of his throat, but Sam swallowed hard on it. “You weren’t supposed to leave me yet…”

And a lone breeze tossed a few strands of his hair. Sam absently brushed them back.

_ “There’s been an accident…” _

“ _ Colby _ ...”

_ “He’s in the hospital… critical condition…” _

_ “Colby?” _

_ “He’s in surgery, you can’t see him…” _

_ “He’s my best friend, I need to…” _

_ Don’t leave me, you’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay… _

_ Stony faces… _

_ “Mr. Golbach, I’m so sorry…” _

_ No… _

_ “Colby!” _

Sam shuddered, gripping his hands into fists. “Fuck…” He whispered.

Colby was gone. Dead. And now Sam had to try to keep going, pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams.

“Fuck…”

OOO

_ “I’m headed to the grocery store,” Colby told Sam, catching his eye as he headed towards the door, “You need anything?” _

_ “Nah, I’m good, man,” Sam shook his head. He pointed an accusing finger at Colby. “Don’t forget, we’re filming later.” _

_ “Oh yeah,” Colby had forgotten, “I’ll be quick. I just need toilet paper and taco mix.” _

_ Sam’s face conveyed put upon amusement. “Sure thing. See you later, okay?” _

_ “Yeah, see ya…” _

_ And he had made it in and out of the store quickly. He’d been driving home, not even thinking about anything when there was a loud noise and sudden impact. _

_ Colby had a split second to register pain that was wrongwrongwrong before everything went dark… _

OOO

“Sam!”

Sam jerked hard, turning to face the speaker. Corey’s eyes were levered on him with concern. “What’s up?” His voice was still fucked and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“You’ve uh… you’ve been standing halfway up the stairs for like… fifteen minutes…” Corey’s tone was even, but Sam could hear the worry behind it.

_ Of course Corey was worried about him. Seemed like everyone was worried about him these days… _

It had been three days since he’d found out.

“I’m good, man,” Sam tried to force a smile, knowing even as he felt it across his face that it looked pained. “I just uh… got lost in thought.” Stuck in his head was more like it.

Corey’s eyebrow popped, but he didn’t call Sam on his shit. “Sure, man…” He said “You uh… just let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sam tried to grin again, “I’m uh… I’m gonna take a nap, okay?” Because being awake, knowing Colby wasn’t there anymore… it was really hard some days.

“Sure thing, dude,” Corey looked like he might be on the verge of saying something else, so Sam headed up the stairs, not wanting to give Corey time to say anything.

He didn’t… he was fine.

Fine as he could have been when his best friend, brother, and fucking soulmate had just died.

OOO

_ When Colby came to next there was pain. He gasped in a desperate breath, trying to move, to react, to do something to ease the elephant like pressure across his chest. But breathing was hard, like choking through a crushed airway, and there were stabbing pains in his ribs as his chest tried to expand. _

_ “Clear!” Colby’s whole body jolted as something electric and  _ agony _ coursed through his chest. It seemed to clear the crushing pressure for just a few seconds, and then something seized again and he couldn’t breath. _

_ He couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t make a sound, couldn’t move, and fucking everything, everything hurt. _

_ “Please, please, make it stop…” _

_ And those words never made it from his lips, but someone must have heard him anyway, and he fell into blessed darkness. _

OOO

Posting about it had been the worst. Because the tweet he’d had to post to his channel was hard enough-

_ Hey guys, I’m gonna be offline for a little bit. We just lost Colby... _

And maybe there was room for interpretation there but it was all he could post. And responses started rolling in almost instantly but he didn’t pay them much attention. Because then he’d had to post to their duo channel and… he’d had to see Colby’s previous post.

It was simple, a short tweet saying,  _ You guys never saw this coming _ . They had been going to do a fan lotto, bring a small group of fans somewhere for a video. It was going to be so much fun.

Obviously wasn’t going to happen now.

Sam was still getting stuck on how appropriate the tweet ended up being.

And Sam wanted to post on their duo account, wanted to post something because it had only just happened, and Sam was still in shock because he’d found out six hours ago that he was never going to speak to Colby again, never see him again, never…

And the fans deserved to know before the rumors started. But how the fuck did he even begin to sum up everything going on in his head right now? How? And posting it on the duo account… it felt somehow like ending everything he and Colby had spent almost a decade building.

So he went with something straightforward, not even having the mental ability to post something better.

_ Hey guys, so we just found out that Colby died in a car crash. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated, but I’m gonna be offline for a bit.  _

He paused for a moment, then added, __

_ Thanks for everything :) _

And he’d barely had the strength to press post before he tossed his phone away, not wanting to see the replies.

_ It wasn’t okay, it wasn’t fair... _

Sam’s phone buzzed, and he looked at his watch, seeing that it was his mom calling. Because their families had tried to make it to LA as soon as they’d heard the news.

And Sam’s chest was still icy and numb, still processing his fucking brother’s death, and he wasn’t sure he had the mental capability to be around his parents, let alone Colby’s, who had always been like another set of parents to him.

But they were… they were the only ones who would… could… get it. As close to feeling how Sam felt. And so he swallowed down the scream of rage and anguish that still burned in his throat, and he went to answer his phone.

_ Fuck, man, I already miss you so much... _

OOO

_ He felt something warm and solid slip away from him. _

_ Some part of him almost felt lost, like something that had always been there, always been a part of him… was just gone. He was fading, he was… He was floating somewhere, somewhere good, somewhere vaguely upwards. _

_ And then there was nothing of him anymore… _

OOO

If Sam had thought the funeral was hard, facing his friends and family and feeling all of that accumulated grief was hard, it was even harder when he got the email from their managers that following Monday.

It was actually a nice gesture, but it reminded Sam of the life he was going to have to live now, of the hard, hard work that would be coming ahead because their… his business, was going to have to change now.

Because all of it was left to Sam now. And he’d never wanted to do this alone. Didn’t know if he could do this alone.

And Sam was a recovering… something. Because he’d had his belief in something greater built and shattered so many times that he couldn’t even really define what his actual beliefs were.

The person he had most believed in… was dead now.

And maybe it was stupid, maybe it was unrealistic and childish and the choice of a desperate man, but Sam cast his eyes to the sky, cloudy as he stared up from the back yard.

“Colby… I dunno if you’re up there, man, but… I fucking miss you. I fucking…” He felt tears threaten to fall from his eyes but he blinked them away, just staring up again, willing some greater power to let Colby hear him, somehow.

“I just… I love you, man. I never wanted to do this without you…” But the tears weren’t letting him blink them back, and he looked down at the deck. “I fucking need you…” He whispered. And he still didn’t cry. Not the heaving, desperate sobs that he probably needed to let out.

But the tears in his eyes flowed all the same.

OOO

_ There wasn’t much going on in his head, because for a while, he didn’t have a head. Or a mind or a body, but after the last time he had seemed to have a body he was okay with that. Because there had been so much pain... _

_ He remembered vague flashes of voices, of sensations, none that really stuck around long enough to be registered or acknowledged. And then there was a voice, a quiet voice, and it started quiet but Colby would have recognized it anywhere. _

_ It was Sam. Sam’s voice calling to him from… wherever he was. _

_ Sam sounded fucking heartbroken, and it felt wrong somehow, in a way that he wasn’t supposed to have a body, and he wasn’t supposed to be able to choose to follow Sam’s voice, but… it was Sam. _

_ And he’d fight heaven and hell for Sam. _

OOO

“Babe…” Sam registered her voice before he registered the light contact of his hand on his back.

He turned his gaze back to his girlfriend, her eyes looking up at his. “Hey…” He murmured, scrubbing at his eyes, which seemed wet again for some reason. Kat’s face was soft, and she pressed herself into his side again.

It was the day after the funeral, a week since he’d lost Colby…

“You wanna come watch a movie?” She asked him, her nails scratching his back lightly. “You can pick.”

And Sam turned to look out in front of him again, where he’d been frozen in the doorway to Colby’s room for… he didn’t know how long. Long enough that the soles of his feet were sore. Standing there like somehow he was still expecting Colby to walk out of his bathroom, or roll out from his bed.

But he knew he wouldn’t. Knew that.

Didn’t help him from feeling like that was so fucking wrong though…

“Baby…” He turned back to look at her again. She gripped a hand into his, “Movie?”

“Yeah, yeah…” Sam said faintly, casting one more look into Colby’s room. “That uh… yeah.” He could see the apology that Kat wanted to voice, the sadness she knew he was feeling.

But he also knew that she knew it wouldn’t help anything. And with one more tug on his hand he followed her down the stairs, to the TV room.

Still wishing Colby was joining them.

OOO

_ Colby… I fucking need you... _

He heard it almost as an echo as he opened his eyes. When he looked around, he was laying in his bed, on top of the covers, fully dressed. He groaned, his body feeling… fucking weird. Floaty and detached.

_ Was he hung over?  _ That would explain the weird ass dreams. He remembered something about going to the grocery store, something about… god, had he dreamed about getting in a car accident? And dying?

Maybe he needed to cut back on the white claw…

He reached out to either side of him for his phone, but his fingers didn’t contact anything. He lifted his head, looking around but not seeing it either. Shit, maybe he’d left it downstairs? He really needed to cut back on the drinking.

He kicked his legs over the bed, his equilibrium a little off until he got himself oriented.

Fucking hangovers…

For some reason, the door to his room was open, so he just stumbled out of his room and down the hallway to the stairs. There was dark behind the windows of the traphouse so he figured he’d slept pretty late. Wasn’t common but wouldn’t be the first time.

He made it to the foyer, glancing around to see if he could spot anyone. It was mostly quiet, but he heard voices from the TV room so he headed over there. He needed to get a reality check of what day it was.

The door was open again, and Colby could see Sam and Kat cuddled together on one of the couches, watching… what the hell movie was this?

“The hell are you watching?” Colby asked, casting a look at the couple. They didn’t respond, not even looking at him or acknowledging his existence.

Colby’s eye twitched. Were they ignoring him? “Yo,” He called louder, “What are we watching?” He took a step or two towards them, but there was still no response. They didn’t even seem to be deliberately ignoring him. Colby felt something like anxiety in his chest because something felt wrong. Why wouldn’t they look at him? “Guys?”

“You want popcorn?” He heard Kat ask Sam quietly. Sam just shook his head. Sam looked… Sam looked so sad. What had happened? What the hell was wrong?

“Okay…” Kat said quietly, wrapping an arm around him.

“Yo, Sam!” Colby raised his voice, because they were really starting to piss him off. “The fuck is with you, bro? Kat?” And he went to step up to Sam, standing in front of him so he couldn’t miss him. But Sam seemed to not see him, staring almost through him. “Sam!” And Colby tried to shove Sam in the chest.

And then his hands passed right through Sam.

For a moment, it didn’t register. Colby almost stumbled when his hands didn’t impact the skin he was expecting, instead passing through Sam and into the couch. He pulled his hand back in shock, almost missing it when Sam shivered. “You good?” Katrina asked.

“Yeah, got cold all of the sudden…”

“Sam?” Colby asked, and he could feel the panic now, real in his chest. Was he still dreaming? This had to be a fucking dream right? Because there was no way his hands had just… He reached for Sam again, this time his face, to similar results.

His hand passed right through. Sam seemed to shiver again, tucking his face into Katrina’s neck. Katrina just cuddled him back.

“Sam, Kat… can you guys hear me?” Colby asked, and it felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest except, when he pressed his hand to his chest… he felt no heartbeat. “Sam!”

But there was no reaction from the couple on the couch.

“Fuck, fuck…” This had to be a fucking dream, because there was no way…

And he moved quickly from the TV room, moving across the foyer and banging on Jake’s door. At least, meaning to, until his hand passed right through it. “Jake!” He called, really starting to freak out in earnest.

Why couldn’t he touch anything?

He tried to push the door open but just ended up stepping halfway through it. He yelped, able to see Jake’s door intersecting his body. “What the fuck, what the fuck…”

Jake was lying on his bed, his phone in one hand. Colby figured out what he was doing when he heard Tara’s voice on the other end.

“Jake?” Colby asked, stepping further into the room. “Please tell me you can hear me, man…”

“I just don’t know what to do,” Jake didn’t respond to him, his attention still on Tara, “It sucks, it really fucking sucks, and obviously Sam’s got the worst of it, but…”

“Hey, he was your best friend too,” Tara said back. “We’re all… we’re all grieving…” And Tara sounded like she was crying.

Grieving? Who were they grieving? Colby stepped closer.

“But Sam’s… Sam’s just not been okay…” Jake said. “I mean Colby was… Colby was like his other half…” He groaned, “It’s just… it’s just so fucked up…”

_ Wait a minute... _

“Sam will… we’ll all be okay…” Tara said faintly. “It’s just… it’s just gonna take a lot of time.”

Jake nodded, rolling onto his back. “It’s just so fucked up he had to die…” And Jake’s voice was anguished, and all of the pieces clicked into place in Colby’s head.

Had he died?

His first instinct was to balk at the very idea. Because he couldn’t be dead. He was here, he was thinking, and standing here. He couldn’t…

And then he took in those snippets of memory, those dreams that might have been memories, and then he took in everything that had just happened, not being able to touch anyone, not being able to talk to anyone, everyone ignoring him…

“I’m dead…” Colby breathed, stumbling back a few steps. “That’s not, I’m not…” And he reached for Jake, because he had to see it again, see his hand pass through someone he knew was there.

And as he dreaded, when he reached for Jake’s hand and his phone, his fingers passed right through. “This is not fucking real…”

What he hadn’t expected was that Jake’s phone seemed to glitch for a moment, the screen blinking a few times after he touched it.

Colby took a few steps back as Jake swore at his phone. He stared at his fingers. Had he…?

“What was that?” Tara’s voice asked, “Your video cut out for a moment.”

“Fuck, I dunno,” Jake muttered, smacking his phone a few times. “Seems okay now.”

Ghosts and technology don’t mix well, a helpful little voice offered from the back of his head. A helpful little voice that gave a name to all the dots that he had just connected.

“Am I a ghost?” He asked out loud, slowly taking in the only conclusion he could make from all of this.

But of course, no one could hear him, so there was no answer…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a good explanation for this piece, other than I'm hitting a wall with COVID and need to vent. So you guys get angst, as is my wont. Happy Spooky Season?
> 
> I do actually have this story mostly mapped out, so it may take over my posting schedule from Heat for a while. We'll see what happens. I'm having writer's block with Heat.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, let me know what you guys think, and as always, I'll see you in the next one


	2. Chapter 2

“Sam?”

They’d been sitting in silence after the movie. Kat had tried a few times to restart a conversation but each time Sam had given either no answer or a short enough one that Kat had stopped.

Until now.

Sam looked at her, forcing his gaze from the nothing he’d been staring into. “Yeah?”

And Kat looked nervous, some sort of worry and fear in her eyes. “Babe, I just…” She looked away for a moment, and then back at him. “I don’t like… I’m not gonna…” She swallowed. And then there were tears in her eyes, “Baby…”

Sam felt his eyes widen, “Kat, what’s wrong?”

“I just…” She reached for his hands, gathering their hands together between them. “Please… please let me know if you need anything, okay?” she asked quietly.

And of course, what she really meant didn’t register at first. “Yeah, yeah, of course,” Sam said, frowning. Because he’d’ve let her know a long time ago if there was something, anything, she could do to help that she wasn’t already doing.

“I mean it,” Kat said, and her voice was firm behind the tears, “I don’t… I... “ She shuddered, “I don’t want to lose you too, okay?”

And that was when Sam understood what she meant. Something like shock sparked in the vacuum that was his chest. “Kat, I’m not, like I’m not...” He shook his head, balking from the thought even as he got just a little too stuck on it. “I mean, my best friend just died, I’m allowed… I’m allowed to be a little fucked up.” That was defensive, and a little angry, and he knew it.

_ Because she’d hit a little too close to the truth... _

And then he felt bad when he saw the hurt flash across her eyes. “I know…” She said quietly. “You are, you totally are but… and I don’t think that you’d… but...” She squeezed his hands again. “Just… I’m here for you, okay?”

Sam squeezed his eyes closed, calming his tone with effort. “I know,” Sam said quietly, “I know, I… I know…” And he freed his hands so that he could look at her and pull Kat into his chest again. “I’m here, okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

And he felt her start to cry as she pressed her face into his shoulder.

Something like emotions were tugging at his throat, at his eyes, but he closed his eyes tightly to fight them off.

He was fine. He missed Colby, fucking missed Colby so fucking bad but…

He was fine.

Fine.

OOO

Colby spent… a long time trying to figure out whatever this ghost thing meant.

He couldn’t touch anything, or anyone. He could walk through walls, which was pretty cool for the first thirty minutes, before he remembered why he could do so and sobered up again. Technology would often glitch when he touched it, but after the Pac-Man machine suddenly freezing and wiping his game had caused an inappropriately emotional scream from Jake, Colby decided to stop touching it.

If his friends were dealing with his death, they needed all the distractions they could get. And then it was late, and one by one Colby watched his friends fall asleep. It was just Sam, Jake, and Kat. Corey was out of the city with Elton.

Not that Colby blamed him.

Colby wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have done the same if their situations had been reversed.

But then the house was quiet and Colby had nothing to do. He wandered up and down the halls, looking around the house, occasionally trying to interact with something…

But there was nothing. His fingers just passed through anything he tried to touch. He didn’t show up in any mirror, and as he’d already proved, he couldn’t actually talk to anyone.

Fuck… this was really fucking boring.

He suddenly got why ghosts would spend so much time fucking with people.

How the fuck did ghosts interact with shit? Like, slam doors and shit. They must have some sort of way to do that… 

Colby was still kinda reeling from the whole “I’m dead” revelation. From what he’d managed to glean from listening to the rest of Jake and Tara’s conversation he’d died about a week ago. In some sort of freak car accident. That lined up with the little snippets of memory he’d retained, remembering the wreck, and little flashes of… something… until he woke up.

In his room. As a fucking ghost.

So now… now what? What the fuck was he supposed to do?

After a couple more frustrated circles around the house he decided that pacing didn’t do him any good. So he ended up in Sam’s room, sitting on the floor, his arms around his knees, watching Sam sleep.

He’d spent years watching Sam sleep. He knew what Sam looked like when he was sleeping. This… this was not normal. Sam’s face seemed tight, even in his sleep. Katrina was tucked up against his back, and Colby was so grateful for her.

Because Sam… fuck… his fucking heart broke for Sam.

He couldn’t even imagine how he would be feeling if their positions had been reversed, if he had to hear that Sam was dead, attend Sam’s funeral, carry on life without Sam…

But then… that was kinda what he had to do now. Because unless this was some sort of drawn out, super vivid dream… he’d know Sam was here, Sam was alive.

Sam… Sam just knew he was dead.

He sighed, closing his eyes.

God… what the fuck was he supposed to do now?

OOO

“Yo, Sam, you want pizza?”

Sam looked up from his phone to see Jake, offering him a plate full of pizza. He was out by the pool, looking but not really looking at his phone. He was honestly not looking at anything, stuck in his head again. “I uh… nah, I’m good,” He tried to wave Jake off.

Jake didn’t look impressed though. His hand shielded his eyes from the afternoon sun. “You should eat some pizza, bro. It’s good pizza.”

Sam let out a little huff, “I’m good. Not really hungry.” He wasn’t sure when the last time he’d been hungry was…

“You should eat some pizza,” Jake repeated, his voice a little firmer, pushing the pizza at Sam again.

Sam furrowed his brow, “Really, dude, I’m fine.”

Jake sat down next to him, dropping the plate of pizza in his lap. “Come on, man, don’t make me eat alone.” He pulled a slice off the plate, taking a big bite.

Sam looked at the plate. Somewhere in his gut, he felt the ghost of something that might have been hunger. When was the last time he’d eaten something? And Jake’s eyes were still on him, his friend chewing deliberately.

So Sam sighed, and pulled a slice of pizza off the plate. It could have been the plate for all he tasted, but he at least felt a little gratified at Jake’s grin. “Hell yeah, brother,” Jake said, tapping his slice to Sam’s in a sort of ‘cheers’ gesture.

Sam snorted, but kept chewing.

OOO

Colby let out a little sigh of relief. Because he’d been watching Sam in the last three days since he’d woken up here.

Specifically watching Sam not eat more than a few bites of anything over the last few days.

God… Colby was the dead one but Sam was starting to look dead too. He’d already visibly lost weight. And his eyes… they were dark and sunken into his face. Fuck… Sam wasn’t okay.

He was grateful for Jake, who had clearly noticed the same thing. He just wished he could do more.

“You gotta eat, man,” Colby said, and he was sitting next to Sam on the pool chair, watching Sam scroll through the social media he wasn’t really seeing. “You can’t live like this… you gotta eat.”

But of course, Sam couldn’t hear him. Because he was dead.

Colby sighed, leaning his head back. “Why am I here?” He looked up at the sky to ask, as if anyone would respond. “Why am I here?”

But there was no answer.

OOO

“What are you going to do now?”

It was always the question on their lips.

It had been two weeks (or something like that, Sam wasn’t really keeping track of time) since everything had shifted, changed, become different and Sam…

Sam was still where he started.

He supposed time was passing, but with his schedule mostly consisting of eating when given food and sleeping when his brain was too damn tired to stay awake or just didn’t want to… he didn’t really register it as time passing.

Jake was filming again. He’d asked Sam to be in his video but Sam had declined. And Sam really should be thinking about where he was going from here, coming up with a plan for moving forward with his career and his business and his brand but…

He was stuck. Because Colby was dead and he was never supposed to do this alone.

He knew his friends were worried, could see it in their faces when they looked at him. Kat and Jake didn’t seem to want to leave him alone, always asking him to eat and it… he knew they were trying to help but…

He was never supposed to do this alone.

He laid back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Katrina was coming over again later tonight. She was wonderful, really, really she was. He knew there was no way this was easy on her with her schedule, but she’d been here for him every night.

Sam’s room lights flickered, and he glanced up at them. Damn things must be dying. Seemed like they’d been flickering a lot more than normal...

OOO

“Still can’t hear me, huh?” Colby walked back over to Sam’s bed, moving away from where he’d been touching Sam’s lights. He sighed, “Thought you of all people would jump to the ghost conclusion.”

He still had no idea why he was here. It had been roughly a week, and there hadn’t been any sort of indicator of anything that might indicate why he was fucking here. Was he just supposed to haunt the fucking house or something? He hadn’t even technically died here. He couldn’t talk to anyone, interact with anything. Just make the house look like it had faulty wiring apparently.

So he was going to try to figure out how to get Sam to realize he was still here. Because he didn’t know why he was here but he was bored as fuck.

And Sam… Sam wasn’t okay. Maybe if he could at least talk to Sam he could… fuck, he didn’t know.

Maybe give Sam some sort of comfort? Shit, have him exorcise Colby or something? Because he really, really didn’t know if he could spend the rest of eternity watching this shit.

No wonder ghosts went crazy at those haunted places they used to visit.

Colby reached for Sam’s shoulder, holding his hand over it. And even if he couldn’t actually make contact with Sam it made Colby feel better. It gave him the illusion they were in this together somehow, the way they always had been…

“I’m here, man,” Colby told him, knowing he wouldn’t respond.

But always hoping that he would.

OOO

”Then they can fuck right the hell off, he’s not talking to anyone!” Sam woke up the next morning to yelling. It was Jake’s voice, Jake’s angry voice. Sam had not heard that voice in a long fucking time.

“What the hell…” He breathed, going to sit up, but Sam felt a hand on his chest. Katrina had been all smiles and support last night, but when he looked at her now her face was tight. Her eyes went back to the door after Sam met them and gave a quiet nod of ‘I’m not moving’.

“I think it’s paparazzi… or fans, or… something…” Kat breathed. “I went downstairs to get water but… they were at the door. Bunch of people and cameras, and…”

“How the fuck did they find the house?” Sam’s lungs had tightened at the first yell but now his heart was racing in his chest. God, what the fuck?

He heard Jake yelling again, heard the door slam, heard angry noises and cursing from Jake. “Motherfucking jackass motherfuckers…”

“Sounds like Jake took care of them…” Kat said, letting up on the pressure on his chest. She released a tight breath, running her hands through her hair. “Fuck…”

“Babe…” Sam’s heart was pounding in his chest. “Babe, what the fuck, what the fuck…”

“It’s okay…” Katrina whispered, “It’s okay, they’re… they’re gone, they’re gone. Jake took care of them…” But her voice was unsure, like she was trying to convince herself too.

“They’ll come back,” Sam said tightly. Of that he was certain.

“You don’t know that…”

“They’ll come back,” Sam repeated, louder this time. “Of course they’ll come back, they love this shit, they’ll come back and they’ll keep trying…”

“Then we’ll stop them,” Katrina snapped back, and her voice was louder but almost shrill, “We’ll kick them out, we’ll call the cops… God, I don’t know, but they don’t get  _ you,  _ they don’t get to take advantage of you, and everyone, and…”. Her voice choked off.

Sam’s whole body was shaking. “Katrina…”

But Kat shook her head tightly. “They don’t get to use  _ him _ for their fucking tabloids…” She whispered, and Sam knew what she meant. And her eyes were red and tearing up again, and Sam had to… he had to… fuck…

“Fuck...” Sam whispered back, because he wouldn’t, couldn’t… “I need to say something. I need to make a video, or something…”

“You don’t owe them anything…” Kat was quick to assure him. “You don’t… they don’t know  _ anything _ …” And Sam wasn’t sure he’d ever heard a tone that scathing in Kat’s voice before.

“Babe…”

Kat seemed to shake herself. And then she smiled at him again. Sam didn’t call her on how forced it was. “You want breakfast? I’ll cook.”

Sam swallowed, because he still wasn’t hungry, but he knew the look he’d get if he refused the food. “Yeah, sure…”

And she kept that smile as she climbed out of bed. Sam took a grounding breath, and then he followed her.

OOO

“Assholes!” Colby yelled, stomping through the foyer. “Fucking…”

He’d been there, of course, watching the whole time as fucking paparazzi showed up at their house, reporters with cameras an notepads, people there to… to film, and capitalize on… on his death.

On how wrecked everyone in his life was.

Anything that made Jake yell like that, made Sam die just a little bit more on the inside.

Colby let out a roar of fury. His body was almost buzzing with angry energy, begging to be let off. He swung at one of the lamps, even as he knew that it would make no difference. Maybe it would burn off some of that furious buzzing he could feel under his skin...

Except… except that he saw the lampshade wobble, definitely in a way that would not have been caused by any sort of ambient disturbance.

Colby froze, looking at his hand, then back at the still slightly moving lampshade.

Did he do that?

He reached for the lampshade again. This time, his fingers passed through like normal.

Colby furrowed his brow. He could have sworn…

His body had felt different, just a moment ago. Buzzing with some sort of energy. It had been the most grounded he’d felt since he’d woken up as a ghost. Maybe….

He tried to summon up that buzzing anger again, that agitation and energy under his skin. But his soul seemed content to just kinda float, not exist as any sort of concrete thing here. “Fuck…” He snarled. Maybe he was crazy, maybe he was just imagining the movement of the lamp and it had just moved when Jake slammed the door. Maybe…

And it wasn’t easy. It felt like he was trying to gather water in one place without a bowl. Or hands. Just scoop it all in with the power of his mind. But slowly, he started to feel the buzzing again, focused mostly in his fingertips, almost like he was touching a live wire.

And it was a little painful, but he could deal with a little pain because this felt like progress, like he was actually doing something, and he reached for the lampshade again. For the first time since he’d woken up a week ago he felt something solid against his fingers. And then he pushed.

He didn’t expect the force of his push to shove the lamp off the table. Colby jumped back in shock, watching the pieces of the lightbulb shatter across the floor, the lamp clatter against the tile. “Holy fuck…”

The explosive movement was almost immediately followed by some sort of sharp pulse of pain through his head, and he pushed his hands into his temples. “Ow, ow, ow…”. He took a few steps back, feeling a bone deep kind of exhaustion that Colby hadn’t felt since he’d died. “Fuck…”

“What the hell was that?” That was Kat’s voice, and Colby pulled his hands from his face to see Sam and Katrina descending the stairs.

Jake had come back into the foyer too, and the three of them were staring at the shattered lamp. Colby grinned a little bit. He’d done it. He felt like crap now, and he definitely wouldn’t be doing that for a while, but… he’d done it.

He’d fucking smashed that lamp.

But of course, no one else knew that. “Jake, did you do that?” Sam asked, coming down the stairs quickly.

“No!” Jake responded almost immediately, sounding almost offended. “At least… I don’t think so…” There was doubt in his voice. He looked at the ground, “I didn’t… shit, man. Maybe I slammed the door too hard?”

“Maybe…” Kat sounded doubtful. She was staying on the stairs, her feet bare except for socks. “That… that’s a lot of movement. Like, that lamp wasn’t close to the edge, I don’t think.”

“Besides, it just fell,” Jake pointed out. “I slammed the door like five minutes ago.”

“Weird…” Kat said, crossing her arms. “Sam, did you move the lamp?”

“No…” Sam had already moved to the door, slipping on a pair of shoes. “Kat, stay there, I don’t want you to cut your feet.”

“‘Kay…” Kat said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“That’s fuckin’ weird, man,” Jake said, moving to the kitchen closet to grab the broom and dust bin.

“I got it,” Sam moved to take the broom from Jake, surprising Colby a little bit. He supposed concern for his girlfriend overrode the dead Sam seemed to be feeling. But then, Sam had always been the neat one of all of them.

“Thanks, man.”

Sam cleared the worst of the glass first, enough that Katrina could sneak by him. “I’ll start cooking,” She offered. “We have bacon, right?”

“I think so?”

“If I didn’t eat it all,” Jake added, and Colby snorted. Jake was prone to late night bacon cravings. It was just a good thing he worked out so much.

God… Colby missed bacon… he missed food in general. This being dead thing was annoying.

And then it was Jake and Sam in the foyer, cleaning up the mess. Colby watched them, his head throbbing a little less awfully, wondering if that was going to be it. No other mention of the broken lamp.

Goddammit, he was going to have to shove something else over where they could see him. If he could manage it again. He still felt really shitty.

Fortunately, he was proven wrong. Jake started chuckling all of the sudden, and Colby watched as Sam sent him a confused look. “What’s so funny?”

“Here’s an idea, dude,” Jake said, offering a joking grin. “Maybe you finally haunted the damn house.”

And Colby knew Jake was joking, but it was the exact joke that Colby needed Jake to make.

“Yes, yes, yes…” Colby whispered, because he recognized that look on Sam’s face. Because Sam’s face was tired, sunken with grief and lack of food but now Colby could see his mind working. And it wasn’t all of the sudden, but something slow growing.

There was something like hope lighting up his face. The most light Colby had seen in his face in a week.

“Yeah…” He said, “Maybe I did.”

“Sam…” Colby said, knowing Sam couldn’t hear him, but needing to say it anyway. Because Sam was standing right in front of him. If he had reached out and been solid… he could have touched him, pulled him into the hug he so clearly needed.

Of course, he couldn’t.

But later, when Sam was alone in the foyer again, Colby watched him as he glanced around the room. And felt his heart seize a little bit when Sam whispered, “Colby… you here, man?” And cast his eyes just past Colby.

“I’m here, man…” Colby whispered back. He’d already tried to touch something else, to phase through a light, to give Sam some sort of sign. But his body was back to fully incorporeal, feeling less solid than ever, so all he could do was watch.

“I’m here…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I said angst...
> 
> This universe is really fun to write in and I’ve been super inspired. So... no Heat this week. Sorry :(
> 
> But yeah, lemme know what you think about this one and where you think it’s going! I’m loving it.


	3. Chapter 3

“You sure you’re going to be okay?” Katrina checked again. “I can really reschedule, it’s not a big deal.”

“Babe, no,” Sam shook his head. “You need to do this. You’ve had this scheduled for months.”

“Yeah, but we scheduled this before…” She didn’t need to say it. “I can stay if you need me.”

“Kat…” Katrina had been supposed to go up to Seattle to work with a music group this weekend and discuss a collab. She wouldn’t tell Sam which one, afraid to jinx it, but he knew from the way she had talked about it that it would be big. An opportunity that she couldn’t afford to miss.

And he’d never say it, but he was looking forward to not having someone hovering over him for a few days.

“You can’t miss this,” Sam said, taking her hands, “This is… this would be really big for you, right?” He met her eyes.

Katrina just nodded, “Yeah…” She said, “If they… if they’d wanna work with me then…” She let out a breath, “Yeah. Big.”

“Then go,” Sam shook her hands lightly. “I promise, I’ll be fine. Jake will make sure I eat,” He tried to be teasing, and Kat gave him a soft smile.

“You’d better eat, Mister,” She poked his chest, “Because if I get this, we’re all going out drinking to celebrate, okay?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Sam said, smiling back.

Kat’s phone pinged, and she glanced at it quickly. “Crap, Uber’s here.”

“Go,” Sam pushed her gently. “I’ll be fine. Good luck.”

Kat looked him up and down one more time, and then nodded. “Okay…” She pointed at him again, “But you  _ will _ call me if you need me, got it?”

Sam chuckled a little bit, “Yeah, yeah…”

“Good,” She nodded. She kissed him quickly, then moved over to grab her stuff. “Love you!”

“Love you too,” Sam said, and he was still pushing the smile on his face. “Have fun!”

“I will,” And she was walking out the door, “Bye!”

“Bye…”

And the door closed. Sam let out a breath, his face dropping. He looked back at the foyer behind him, lit up in the late morning sun. “Fuck, okay…”

Kat was gone for two days. That meant…

He sat down on the stairs, still looking into the foyer. Where the lamp had fallen two days ago.

Fallen.

Because whatever thought it was that had gone through his head that it might have been pushed, might have been some sort of haunting - _ might have been Colby- _ was stupid. So fucking stupid.

The wishful thinking of a grieving man.

Jake must have knocked into it while he was shooing the paparazzi off. He must have. Because there was no way that the lamp would have fallen otherwise.

No way.

Because so what, some of the lights in the house were being a little wonky? And the lamp fell over. No one else, no one sane would make the conclusion that it must be the ghost of their dead best friend.

And besides, there’d been no signs since.

He felt cold all of the sudden, shivering faintly. Apparently they were finally running the AC too much. Sam sighed, pressing his hands into his head. “I’m losing my fucking mind…” He breathed.

OOO

Unbeknownst to Sam of course, Colby was sitting on the stairs with him, watching the gears in Sam’s head turning.

“Come on, dude…” Colby said, “Make the connection, give me something!” His fingers passed through Sam, and he watched his friend shiver. “Come on…”

In the days since he managed to push the lamp he accomplished absolutely nothing else. His whole body hurt with low grade pain for almost twenty-four hours that had finally ebbed this morning. Electronics were starting to intermittently react to him again, but he still couldn’t even begin to summon up that buzzing, focused energy to interact with anything.

So he was here, watching Sam, hoping he’d make the connection.

“I’m losing my fucking mind…” Sam whispered, and Colby’s heart just fucking broke.

“Sam…” He tried to reach for Sam again, unconsciously willing that tingling to his fingers again, wanting to touch Sam so badly.

Two things happened simultaneously. A painful shock ran from Colby’s fingers on Sam’s shoulder into his chest, and Colby yelped and drew back. But Sam also looked up at that moment, into the mirror on the wall across from him and for a second, Colby swore Sam met his eyes.

“What the fuck!” Sam’s whole body seemed to flail as his eyes flew over his shoulder to look behind him. Colby was there, of course, but Sam’s eyes looked right through him. Sam’s eyes moved quickly back to the mirror, but he seemed to not see anything that time, and his eyes stared through Colby once again.

“What the fuck…” Sam breathed it quietly this time, his voice broken.

Colby, for his part, was still kinda shell shocked by the whole thing. His whole body hurt again, or whatever passed for his body these days, but had Sam… had Sam seen him? “Sam?” He asked, almost reaching to Sam again.

But Sam abruptly stood up, “I gotta, I gotta… I’m losing my fucking mind…” And he strode quickly from the room, heading up the stairs.

Colby wasn’t sure exactly what had happened, but as his eyes left Sam to cast out to the mirror in front of him, he could have sworn that for just a split second…

He’d been able to see himself in the mirror.

And he thought Sam had seen him too.

OOO

Sam pressed his hands into his eyes, ignoring the palms that came away wet. He’d made it to his room, flopping back on the bed before the tears had blurred his vision. Fuck… it seemed like all he did these days was cry… Katrina kept promising him that it was normal but…

Goddammit, he was losing his fucking mind.

Because there was no fucking way, no  _ fucking _ way that he had just seen Colby sitting behind him in the mirror.

Colby was dead. Sam had fucking  _ watched _ them put his body into the ground. He was… he was fucking…

“Fuck…” Sam breathed, “Colby…”

Unless his ghost…

“No, stop!” Sam cut that thought off before it could even fully manifest. Because that was stupid, fucking wishful thinking that… that if he let himself get invested in… he was afraid he’d just be more heartbroken by the end of it.

He debated calling Katrina for a moment, knowing that she was probably still in the car on the way to the airport but… she’d been bothered by him enough in the last few weeks. She was finally getting to do her own thing. He wasn’t going to interfere.

She didn’t need to know that her boyfriend had finally fucking lost it.

“There is no way I just saw Colby’s ghost,” He said, hoping that saying it out loud would help the part of his heart that begged for that to be true, that wanted it’s best friend back.

So fucking bad.

“Colby is dead. I need… I need to accept that…”

But his voice sounded hollow to his own ears.

OOO

“Goddammit, Sam…” Colby said quietly, and he hurt, and he felt so helpless, wanting to reach out to Sam. “I’m here, man, I’m…” He was here. For some reason. Here but… unable to talk to anyone, talk to his best fucking friend, just stuck…

He shook his head. God, he was feeling more and more useless. So he could move some shit, apparently occasionally make himself appear in mirrors but… he couldn’t really help Sam. Couldn’t be there for him.

He was just stuck.

He sighed and looked around Sam’s room. The place was slowly falling into disorder. Colby knew his best friend. Sam hated messes of any variety. To see his room, his space in such a state… fuck, it spoke heavily to Sam’s mental state. Maybe… Maybe if he could just let Sam know that he was still here… he could give him some sort of closure or something.

“I’m gonna figure something out, man, okay?” Colby promised Sam, “I’m gonna… I’ll figure out some way for you to see that I’m here, okay? And then we can…” He gestured. “I dunno, figure something out but…” He paused, letting out a breath.

“I dunno, but it’ll be us together again. And everything will be okay.” And now his own throat was tight. “Everything will be okay again.”

But Sam didn’t respond.

He never did.

OOO

For as much as Sam was looking forward to having some alone time, he’d underestimated how… well, lonely he would feel.

Katrina hadn’t let him spend a night alone in… well, the two and a half weeks since Colby died. So when he flopped his arm out to the other side of the bed… it was a little weird to not impact her body, to scoot to the other side of the bed subconsciously, and realize that he was seeking out her solid, living warmth.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Because he’d told her to go but… he missed her now. And she’d FaceTimed him earlier this evening but… it wasn’t the same. And after this afternoon… he could have used the comfort.

There’d been another communication from the team earlier. The memorial merch was doing very well, all of the proceeds going to charity of course, but the team wanted to know where he was going from here. Logically of course, their brand had always been about him and Colby and now that Colby was… dead…

He’d just thanked them for the update but told them that he still… he just needed more time to deal with this before making any decisions regarding the brand.

“I was never supposed to do this alone…” Sam whispered, looking around his room. “God dammit Colby…”

He felt… he felt stuck. Like everything had changed and there was no way of moving forward. Not like before.

Because it was always supposed to be Sam and Colby against the world.

Now it was just Sam. Where the fuck was he supposed to go from here?

“Fuck, dude…” Sam whispered, and he was alone in his room, so he didn’t fight the thickness in his throat. “I just miss you…”

The cord light he had up in the corners of his room flickered briefly, almost as if in response. Sam narrowed his eyes, looking at the lights through the tears threatening his eyes. The lights were still doing that weird flickering thing, the thing they’d been doing since... “I swear, its like I have a fucking ghost or something,” He commented sardonically.

And then the lights flickered again.

Sam sat up, staring at the lights with renewed suspicion… and a tiny, dangerous little flicker of hope. Was Colby… But he shut that thought the fuck down. “No, I can’t do this…” He whispered, “I can’t…” And his throat was choking up again, so he flopped back into the bed, pulling a pillow over his face.

He couldn’t let himself think that the fucking ghost of his best friend was haunting him. He couldn’t. Because Sam believed in ghosts but he didn’t… he couldn’t let himself have this dangerous, dangerous hope.

“Colby’s dead…” He whispered to himself. “Colby’s dead…”

OOO

“Dammit, Sam…” Colby muttered, frustration growling a path through his gut. Because he hurt, and manifesting enough to touch those lights had taken a lot out of him and for Sam to just ignore it…

There was something dark and cold sucking in his chest that seemed to swell briefly at his emotions. He swallowed, consciously trying to control that. He’d started to notice that whenever he was frustrated or angry, he could feel something that felt… wrong, in his chest. It crackled with energy, and he somehow knew that if he tapped into it, that it would let him do more, interact with more, touch more.

But something about it felt wrong, and inhuman, and Colby didn’t know another way to explain it except that it was  _ bad _ . So he left it alone, not wanting to give strength to that thing that felt almost…

Evil…

He’d felt it this afternoon too, when he’d sat in on Sam’s meeting with their managers. Because the way they kept pushing Sam for what his plan was, when Sam was so clearly so fucking out of it, as he just shutting down more as he kept repeating that he just needed more time…

Colby had… it wasn’t that he had forgotten about the company and the brand, or any of that but… well, he’d had other things on his mind. Like Sam and the whole being a ghost thing, not to mention the whole being dead thing. But to watch Sam have to do it alone, this thing they were always supposed to do together…

It was wrong. Just wrong. Because they’d never made decisions about it alone. They’d always been able to count on each other.

He needed… he needed to talk to Sam. And if Sam wasn’t going to pay attention to the lights… he needed to find another way to communicate with Sam.

He glanced over Sam’s room again, thinking. For a moment, he thought he saw someone else in the room with them, wondering if Jake had wandered upstairs, but when he looked again, there was no one there.

But then, his eyes caught on the open closet. Specifically, the thing sitting on the top shelf of the closet.

Sam’s Ouija board.

Colby felt a small grin on his face. “Ouija board…” He murmured, “Cliche, but okay.” His hands were still passing through anything he tried to touch, his body still in pain from whatever that mirror stunt had been and then the light thing but…

He had a plan now. The next time he could summon up enough strength to interact with something…

He was gonna try to get Sam to use the Ouija board again.

OOO

Sam got a call from Corey unexpectedly the next day.

“Hey, man,” Sam answered the FaceTime call, his screen lighting up to show Corey, sitting somewhere outside, probably in Elton’s small city.

“Hey, what’s up?” There was already concern on Corey’s face and Sam hated it, hated that any time he interacted with his friends there was that underlying worry. But he tried not to let that show on his face.

“You know, the usual,” He shrugged, and he knew that Corey would know what that meant.

“You uh, you holding up okay?” Corey asked, and Sam kept his face stoic.

“I uh… I’m here,” And that might have been too honest because now Corey looked really worried. Sam shook his head. Corey had caught him halfway up the stairwell, and he took a moment to pause, sitting on the stairs and redirecting the conversation. “How’s Send it City?”

Corey’s face told Sam that he knew what Sam was doing, but he started talking anyway, “Dude, I can’t believe what Elton has fucking done out here, it’s insane…”

And thankfully, it didn’t take too much active input for Corey to keep talking, and Sam was able to mostly just listen to Corey ramble about all the things he was getting up to with Elton. The two of them had always been close, and it was nice hearing about their antics.

Even if it made a certain part of Sam’s heart ache.

And then Sam’s lights flickered, and it jogged his brain back to Colby. And the whole ghost thing that he couldn’t quite shake. And Corey… he felt like Corey might be the one roommate who wouldn’t just call him crazy.

“Corey…” Sam started talking right in the middle of Corey’s sentence, “Can I ask you something?”

Corey seemed a little surprised by Sam’s interruption, but his tone immediately softened when he said, “Yeah, man, what’s up?”

“You ever… so like…” He had no idea how to start this, “So like… when you used to like… when the Shadowman was following you…” He watched the look that came over Corey’s face, and it was a strange one, as if he couldn’t figure out where Sam was going with this.

Sam didn’t know either, “What did, like… what were you experiencing? Like how did you know like… that he was there?”

Corey stared at him, his eyebrows pressed together, but started talking anyway, “I uh… I dunno, man, like I was a kid but like…” He stared out, not looking at Sam through the camera. “I used to feel like there was someone there. Like, sometimes shit would move or, or I’d feel like I saw someone or like, felt something…” He frowned, “Just like… I felt like there was someone there.”

Sam’s heart was picking up pace in his chest, as he took in all of Corey’s words. “You ever feel cold?”

Corey nodded, “Yeah, sometimes. It’d be fucking out of nowhere and like…” But then he paused, and he looked at Sam with something like suspicion. “But I’ve told you all of this before. Why are you asking?”

Sam froze for a moment, debating what he should say… if he should tell Corey the truth. “I uh…” He looked away from the camera, not wanting to see Corey’s face when he said it, “I thought I saw Colby in the mirror the other day.”

And Corey’s face immediately changed to pain and pity. “Sam…”

“And I know, I know it’s stupid, and fucking… fucking crazy but…” And now that he’d started talking, he couldn’t stop, “I swear Corey, like, I’ve been getting these random cold flashes, and the lights have been flickering, and one of the vases fell off the table the other day…”. He was word vomiting and he knew it, “And I just… I just feel like… like something just seems off and maybe, maybe it’s Colby and he’s just trying to communicate or, or…”

“Sam…” Corey’s voice was sad when he spoke next, “Dude… dude, I know that, like, this has all been really, really awful. For all of us and especially you, but…”

“I’m not, like… I keep trying to tell myself I’m not crazy but…” Sam looked imploringly at Corey, “I just… and all this shit keeps happening…”

“Sam, you…” Corey sighed, and Sam watched as he ran a hand through his hair, “I don’t think you’re crazy, man. You’ve never been… you’ve never been someone to just like, take shit and run with it but like…” He looked reluctant to continue.

“But what?” Sam asked, feeling defensive and angry and desperate and way too many things all at once.

And Corey looked like he was going to continue, but then he seemed to change gears, “Why don’t you come out to Send it City with us? It’s really a lot of fun, and getting out of the house…”

“You don’t believe me.” And Sam knew it was true.

“Dude, I’m just saying,” Corey said, but Sam had already shut down. He was crazy, he was clearly losing his fucking mind and he didn’t need Corey to remind him of that.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll uh… I’ll think about it, okay?”

“Sam!” Corey seemed to want to say more, but Sam didn’t let him.

“Bye, Corey…”

And Sam hung up. He dropped his phone to his side, pressing his hands into his eyes and letting out a yell. God fucking dammit, maybe he was actually going crazy…

That was when all of the sudden he heard a loud clattering noise. “The fuck?” He peeled his hands away from his eyes to look up the stairs in the direction of the noise. That sounded like it had come from his room.

He moved quickly, figuring that something had probably fallen and hoping the mess wouldn’t be too much to clean up. Otherwise he’d never get to it at this rate.

And he should have expected it. After all the conversations and weirdness he should have expected it because there, sitting on his bedroom floor… was his goddamn Ouija board.

Sam felt his eyes go wide, his heart beating in his chest, because this… this… “What the fuck…”

And he had half a mind to just ignore it, or run for it, but he’d just been talking to Corey about this and if it was really Colby’s ghost trying to communicate… well what the fuck did he have to lose by trying?

“Okay, fine…” he said, and his emotions threatened to choke up in his throat, but he pushed them down. “Okay… okay, I’ll try. But I swear to god if this is someone fucking with me…”

_ But it could be Colby _ , a part of his heart sang,  _ but it could be Colby... _

_ Or I'm _ crazy, he retorted back to that part as he started to set up.  _ Because Colby is dead. _

But he couldn't quite get that hopeful part of him to shut up. Because what the fuck if he was wrong? There would just be no answer. But if there was even the smallest chance he was right…

Then fuck it, he had to try.

OOO

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

He hadn’t expected Sam to come right up to investigate the sound so soon, hoping he would find it later, giving Colby a chance to recoup. Colby was still aching from the effort that he’d needed to move the board, and now it seemed that he didn’t have the time to get his strength back up.

“Sam, dude…” Colby groaned, but he didn’t really have a choice. He had to find a way to make this work because if he didn’t… Sam might put the board away again. And Colby  _ needed  _ to talk to Sam.

So when Sam settled on the ground at the foot of his bed, Colby settled across from him, trying to place his fingers on the planchet to meet Sam’s.

OOO

Sam felt a shiver run through him as he placed his fingers on the planchet. His heart beat hard in his chest, pulsing with a desperate hope that he couldn’t let go of. “Okay…” He whispered, “Okay…”

He circled the board three times with the planchet, falling back easily to old memories. He’d done this before, it was easy to do it again. And there was a line, something about generally asking if anyone was there, but his heart was up in his throat, and the only thing that made it out of his mouth was:

“Colby… you there, man?”

OOO

“Fuck…” Colby muttered, because he was trying to move the planchet, trying to answer Sam’s question but most of his energy had been spent moving the goddamn board in the first place. “Dammit, Sam, I’m here!” But his fingers passed through Sam’s again and again.

“Fuck…”

OOO

It was quiet. No response. Sam tried not to feel the disappointment too heavily in his chest. “Colby?” He asked again quietly, feeling that little bit of hope that had blossomed up in his chest dig deeper into the hole of pain where his best friend’s death sat. “Come on, man, if you’re here… give me a sign… please…” And he wasn’t even all that surprised when his voice cracked on that last word.

There was quiet for another few, long moments. Sam sniffed in a breath through a nose gone thick. The room was unmoving. Cold, but unmoving.

“God, I’m going crazy…” He mumbled, but maybe it was grief and his imagination and nothing that actually mattered but Sam swore… swore he felt like someone was watching him.

And that was when he remembered one more thing that he could try from seances long gone. “Colby… Colby, if that’s… that’s you, dude, then…” Fuck his voice was gone. Shaking, weak, way too emotionally invested in something that was probably all in his head. “If you need to like… I dunno, take energy from me, or something… you have my permission. Just… please…” Another almost sob. “I need to talk to you.”

OOO

Take Sam’s energy?

And that was something that had definitely not occurred to Colby before, even though it should have because they’d done that before during seances, asking spirits to pull from them.

But could he even…

But Sam just looked so wrecked, such a mess, and Colby admittedly wasn’t doing much better so he had to try. So when he reached for Sam that time, he focused on feeling for that staticy, solid energy that he’d felt the few times he’d been able to interact with the world.

Touching Sam’s fingers was like touching a live wire, and the electric feeling jumped from his fingertips and into his chest. It hurt. God, it hurt, but if Colby was able to tune that out then... 

His body felt more solid. His fingers felt more solid. And as he looked at where his and Sam’s fingers were pressed over each other, Colby felt the planchet start to move.

OOO

Sam closed his eyes as he suddenly felt just a little lightheaded. That was weird, and maybe he would have paid more attention to the sensation if that hadn’t been when the planchet started moving under his fingertips.

His eyes flew open, and he watched as the board started spelling out a message...

…

…

...

H I S A M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens, and so does the angst...
> 
> Loving this story, so glad you guys are too.


	4. Chapter 4

It was only pure shock that kept Sam’s fingers on the planchette. His whole body froze after it finished spelling out the last letter of his name and all he could do was stare at the board.

Because he’d played a lot with Ouija boards but he’d ever had one spell out his name before.

His hands were shaking, his heart pounding in his chest, and he just stared at the board, the window of the planchette still over the ‘M’.

“Colby…” And his voice sounded like the faintest whisper, barely making it out through a choked up throat, “Is that you?” And he should have asked who it was but… he didn’t really care who it was if it wasn’t Colby.

And the planchette slowly moved to YES.

OOO

Colby felt some sort of hysterical giggle burble out of his chest. “I’m here, dude, fuck…” He was grinning, feeling his throat choke up. “Fuck, I’m here, you’re here, we’re…”. He swallowed. “Fuck, man.”

Sam was shaking. He could almost feel the shaking through where their hands still touched on the planchette, despite the buzzing pain. The pain was worse when he was actually moving the planchette but still buzzed at a low level just staying connected to Sam. God, but he was talking to Sam, fucking finally…

Sam shook his head, and when he lifted his face to the ceiling, Colby could see tears running down his cheeks. “There’s no way…” He breathed.

“I’m here, Sam.” And Colby circled the planchette back to land on the yes again, debating just spelling out ‘I’m here’. But he figured that the circling had made its point when Sam let out some kind of choked sob.

Sam looked back down at the board, tears running freely. He was clearly trying to control himself, but Colby could see the hope that had spread across his features. “How do… how do I know that it’s really you?” Sam asked haltingly. “How do… tell me… show me that it’s you, dude. Please.”

“You don’t trust me?” Colby commented, but he got it. He’d’ve been suspicious too, back in the day. His chest felt tight with emotions, thoughts racing through his head, but he tried to think, tried to come up with something that only he would know. But something that Sam would recognize.

And then he grinned. “Got it…”

OOO

Sam could almost feel his breath catch as the planchette started moving again. Because there was no doubt in his mind that even if it wasn’t Colby on the other end of the planchette there was definitely someone. Definitely someone answering his questions because he’d never, ever had this kind of reaction from a Ouija board before.

He just prayed that it was Colby. He wasn’t sure his heart could handle it if it wasn’t.

And his hands were shaking, making the planchette jitter as it spelled out:

M R H A R V E Y

“Mr. Harvey?” Sam asked, blanking for a moment, staring at the board. But then his brain lit on the incident. Their 10th grade history teacher. They’d put wet paint on his desk chair, and the man had had to walk around with a black paint stain on his khakis for the rest of the day. They’d never been caught, and they’d never told anyone else about it because they ended up feeling like dicks when they’d found out later that day that Mr. Harvey was dealing with a really messy divorce.

They’d made special effort to be nice to him going forward.

Sam’s memory was confirmed when the board spelled out:

P A I N T

“Oh my God…” And there was no stopping the tears this time. “Oh my God, it’s you.” Because only Colby would know about that. Only Colby.

And the planchette slid back to YES.

OOO

Colby grinned, feeling his own tears in his eyes. “Hey Sam…” He breathed. The spelling was fucking annoying and the pain wasn’t pleasant but he could… fuck, it just felt so good to be able to communicate with Sam again. It had been just… wrong… to not be able to talk to him.

He’d deal with the board and the pain if he could do that.

Sam’s breath was still coming in gasping little sobs, his body shaking, as he stared out in front of him as if he could see Colby. Colby knew it couldn’t but… it felt better anyway. “You… Colby… how long have you… why are you… what even…”. Sam seemed to be having a hard time getting his throats together.

Colby let out a broken laugh. He moved the planchette to spell out, WUT?

Sam laughed too, even through his tears. “Sorry,” He said, “I guess uh… I need to stick to simple shit, huh?”

YES

Sam chuckled, “Okay, okay…”. He thought for a moment. And his face darkened. “So you uh… I guess you know you’re uh… dead, right?” His voice was faint at the end.

Colby winced.

YES

He paused, and then spelled out, S R Y.

“S, R… sorry? Are you mid two-thousands texting at me?” Colby was proud of the small grin on Sam’s face. Even so, he rolled his eyes.

F A S T E R

“You’re not wrong,” Sam acknowledged, chuckling a little bit. His smile faltered a little bit as he continued. “Uh… So… you’re what? A ghost, I guess?”

YES. “I mean, I guess,” Colby amended. But he wasn’t going to spell that out.

“How long have you like… been here?”

1 0 D A Y S

Sam’s eyes widened. “So it wasn’t right away.”

NO

“Shit…” Sam breathed, looking away briefly and pressing his lips together. “So you’ve just been… what? Following me around?”

Colby shrugged.

YES

“So all the lights and moving shit… that’s been you?”

YES

Sam let out another combination laugh sob. “Shit, man. I’m so…” He stared down at the board. “I just can’t believe you’re here.”

Colby let out some sort of broken noise of disbelief.

S A M E

Sam smiled faintly, shaking his head. “I mean…” And his tone shifted, “I thought I was going crazy. I… you have no idea.”

Colby cringed, because that had really started to worry him.

I S A W

Sam's cheeks turned faintly pink. “Oh yeah, you were following me around, I forgot.”

Colby rolled his eyes.

N O T H I N G E L S E T O D O

Sam let out an amused huff, more tears sliding down his cheeks. “You couldn't just like, troll Jake or something?”

Colby sighed, because maybe if he’d had the energy or figured out this energy borrowing thing earlier… no, that was a lie. He’d’ even just reached out to Sam earlier.

Fuck, this energy borrowing thing hurt...

N O T E N O U G H E N E R G Y

Sam frowned. “Energy? What do you mean?”

Colby thought for a moment, debating telling Sam about the way interacting with anything hurt, how exhausting and painful it was to keep doing this but… he didn’t want Sam to worry. So he just responded.

M O V I N G S H I T I S H A R D

Sam frowned. “Huh. Really?”

YES

Colby watches Sam process that and his brow furrowed again. “So how are you talking to me now?”

Colby was almost a little reluctant to tell him that he was pulling from Sam but… Sam had given him permission...

U S I N G Y O U R E N E R G Y

“Huh,” Sam leaned back a little bit. “So that’s a thing?”

YES

Sam nodded. “That would… so I actually got a little lightheaded right before you started talking so… that would make sense.”

That caused bells of alarm to ring in Colby’s gut. Because he hadn’t realized Sam would feel it too.

U O K

“Oo-ohk… oh, you okay, fuck, this is annoying, yeah, dude, I’m fine,” Sam looked up from the board, casting his gaze around the room. “Talking to you… that’s worth a little dizziness, uh… trust me.” And there was emotion back in his throat.

Colby nodded. He was already dealing with pain to talk to Sam. So he got it. And Sam had been honest, so he would be too.

H U R T S M E T O O

Sam’s eyes widened. “What? What do you mean?”

T O U C H I N G T H I N G S H U R T S

“Hurts?”

L I K E E L E C T R I C I T Y

He left out the part where he was left feeling like he got hit by a bus. Too much writing. The buzzing in his fingers was getting pretty awful and he swallowed. “Fuck…” He muttered quietly.

But he’d deal with it for Sam.

“Shit…” Now Sam sounded worried. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good, man,” Colby shook his head, smiling.

W O R T H I T

“I…” Sam sighed, “I guess I can’t talk, huh?”

NO

Sam smiled a little, shaking his head. “Well, then…”. He paused for a moment, and Colby could tell that he was thinking by the way his face moved. After a second, he started talking again, “So… shit, man, this is…” He pressed his lips together for a moment, “Would it be rude to ask you like…”. He looked away, “Can I ask you like, what it was like? And I know that’s gonna be a lot to like, spell out but…” He furrowed his brow, “Wait, fuck, do I even want to know that?”

Colby’s eyes widened, and he started trying to think about how he would even transcribe his thoughts into the shortest hand he could because his hands fucking hurt, the current pulsing up into his chest. Because he hadn’t thought that Sam would want to talk about his death but…

But when he thought about it… he’d want to know too. So he braced himself for the pain that spelling this out would involve…

OOO

Sam wasn’t sure why he wanted to know honestly. Because it felt a little taboo to ask spirits why they had died but… well this wasn’t really any other spirit.

This was Colby.

He waited with baited breath to see what Colby would spell out.

The first response was not what he’d been expecting.

H O W D I D I E

Sam frowned at the planchette. This lack of punctuation was killing him. He just wanted to _talk_ to Colby like normal. But he supposed this was better than nothing. Even if it was hurting Colby, which he still wasn’t a fan of but… Colby had said it was okay… Fuck, Colby was still waiting for a response. “How did… how die…” And then it clicked, and his chest iced over. ”How did you die?”

YES

Sam felt a phantom pain in his stomach, his chest, not as vivid as the day it had happened but still a painful, stabbing ache that twisted up his gut and kept him awake at night. “Uh…” He tried to dig though his mind, through the memories of that day, because most of them were fuzzed out with the panic and pain.

And the grief.

_"Colby!"_

“You uh… you were in a car accident,” Sam said quietly. “I uh… I don’t super know the details but uh… I know you were still alive when you made it to the hospital but…” He swallowed on a thick throat. “You died in the operating room.”

He could almost feel a certain chill descend on the room. He swallowed again, and asked, “Do you uh… do you remember… any of it?”

YES

“Fuck…” Sam whispered. And he didn’t know why he was asking, because it was going to hurt him if he knew Colby had felt anything of what had killed him, but… the words came out of his mouth anyway. “Do you remember dying?”

OOO

Colby furrowed his eyebrows. “Maybe?” He said, “I dunno, man, I…” He tried to think back. He remembered… something about not being able to breathe. And pain. God, so much pain. And then he was floating? Maybe? And then Sam’s voice…

Sam was still waiting for an answer. He started pushing the planchette again.

YES

He watched those words hit Sam, watched him absorb them. The pain that came over his face broke Colby’s heart, and he immediately felt he had to clarify.

N O T A L L O F I T

Sam frowned then, through the fresh tears. “What do you mean?”

Colby sighed, trying to think of the shortest way to do this.

C R A S H T H E N P A I N T H E N N O T H I N G

That was long, and he watched Sam try to decipher the words. Thank God it was Sam, not him trying to do this. He’d have been lost a long time ago.

“Crash then pain then nothing,” Sam finally translated, sitting back. "So just like, bits and pieces or like, all of it?"

P A R T S

Albeit the parts he remembered were painful as hell but... there was no good way to explain this with their limited communication unless they wanted to be here all night. And Colby wasn't sure he could take that pain wise.

"Were you like, in Heaven, or something?" Sam's voice was quiet, and Colby didn't know how to answer that. Because after what he thought was his death, the memory he thought was where he died... there'd mostly been a lot of nothing.

So he gave the most honest response he could.

N O T S U R E

"You're not sure?"

Colby groaned, because he was not spelling this out over Ouija board.

T O O L O N G TO W R I T E

"Oh, okay..." And Sam looked a little disappointed, a little sad, but he let it go. And then he seemed to alight on another question. “Okay so...uh... “ Sam’s eyebrows pressed together. “So then… why are you here?"

And that was just a question wasn’t it. The question Colby had been trying to answer for… well, since he had woken up.

I D K

Sam frowned, looking up as if he could see Colby. “So you didn’t like... “ He groaned, squeezing his eyes closed. “Fuck, I wish I could just talk to you like fucking normal…” And there was emotion in his voice again, that grief and pain that Colby knew all too well.

M E 2

He let Sam process that one for a moment, before spelling out

I M H E R E

Sam let out a mutated little laugh. “I know, but its not the same, you know? I mean…” He sighed again, “I can’t see you, you know?”

YES

God, what he wouldn’t give to just have a normal fucking conversation with Sam.

But that was never going to happen again.

The buzzing, electrical pain had started pulsing with awful regularity in his chest, and Colby got the feeling that he wasn’t going to be able to stick around much longer. This… this fucking hurt. He pulled more energy from Sam, trying to abate the pain, and it worked briefly. And then he looked up at Sam and saw a paleness to his face and lips, saw his friend had closed his eyes, swaying slightly.

Sam figured it out before Colby could say anything. “You pull from me again?”

YES

Sam pressed his lips together before asking, “Is it bad?”

W U T

“The pain?”

Colby cringed. Dammit Sam.

G E T T I N G T H E R E

“Okay,” Sam looked reluctant, chewing on the inside of his lips. “You uh… you need to go, for a bit?”

I M O K

But he wasn’t moving the planchette as easily, the pulsing numbing pain worse when he did it. And Sam, perceptive as he was, caught on.

“It’s really getting bad, isn’t it?”

Colby hesitated, then sighed.

YES

“Then you should…” Sam seemed like he was going to tell Colby to leave, but he stopped, and Colby watched new tears fall from his eyes. Colby honestly wasn’t doing much better. His throat thickening up because this hurt, this was awful, this was up there with the worst pain he had experienced in his life but…

He really, really didn’t want to let go of this communication with Sam. Because who knew when he’d be able to talk to him again, how bad the crash from this would be, as soon as he pulled from Sam’s living energy…

U O K

Sam almost missed the message, looking at it and the nodding quickly, “Yeah, I’m uh, I’m okay, dude. A little lightheaded but…” He grit his teeth. “We’ll just talk tomorrow, okay? Can we do that?”

I D K

“Why?” And Colby was a little alarmed by the tone of Sam’s voice, a little… almost angry, desperate. But then, he could also see that reaction all too well. Because while he wanted to be honest he really, really wanted to talk to Sam, and imagined Sam was in about the same place.

“Fuck, fuck, motherfucker…” He muttered under his breath, trying to control the pain. “Okay, okay…”

E N E R G Y

“But you can just pull from me again, right?” Sam asked quickly, desperately, “Anytime you need to pull from me, you can, okay?”

Colby grinned faintly, not sure it would be that easy. But he’d sure as shit try.

I L L T R Y

“Okay, okay…” Sam said, and he still looked reluctant, but he seemed to be willing to accept it at least. “I’ll uh… I’ll look into other ways for us to communicate, okay? Something easier? Or better? I don’t know, man, I’ll look into stuff.”

O K

“Just… I don’t know, give me a sign you’re still here, or something, okay? If you can?” And his voice was rough again when he murmured, “I fucking miss you, Brother. Kills me that you’re not here.”

And Colby’s heart broke again.

H E R E

He spelled that out deliberately.

Sam smiled through his tears. “It’s not the same.”

Colby shook his head. “It’s not…” He said quietly. “Fuck, man… I fucking miss you…”

I K N O W

M I S S U 2

L O V E U

That did it. Sam let out a broken noise in reaction to that last message. His mouth and throat were working like he was trying hard not to cry, tears falling freely again. “Love you too, dude,” He whispered. “Okay, okay…” He took a deep shuddering breath. “I uh… I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

O K

And Colby swallowed down his own tears, wanting to cry, wanting to just hold Sam and find some sort of comfort in each other.

But they couldn’t do that. He was dead.

“Bye…” Sam said, barely audible.

And together, they slid the planchette to GOODBYE.

Colby pulled his hands off the planchette, only really having a moment to enjoy the sensation of no longer active pain before the exhaustion hit him.

But it wasn’t like the exhaustion of previous times, where he just felt like he’d done a lot. He started feeling what seemed like the edges of his body fading from this world, and when he got his eyes open, his vision was darkening around the edges and quickly closing in.

Oh fuck… had he done too much too quickly? What the fuck was going on?

“Sam!” He cried out, not even sure why he was calling to Sam when Sam couldn’t hear him but… it was instinct.

The last thing he saw before everything went dark was a glowing pair of eyes staring directly at him...

OOO

Sam just stared at the Ouija board for a few moments after he “hung up” with Colby. His head hurt, his body hurt, but… God, the pain in his heart was so much worse…

It took until he choked on a sob for him to realize that he was crying. Because he’d talked to Colby,  _ could  _ talk to the ghost of his dead best friend.

And it was better but… it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t right.

And he pressed his face into his knees and sobbed... 

"God, Colby, I just miss you so fucking much..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit... what do you guys think that was at the end there...
> 
> Y'all, I got all choked up writing this chapter again. Thank you for waiting on the update, I appreciate you guys a lot.
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this one, and I'll see you in the next one!


End file.
